I returned to work six months ago after having my first baby. She has been ill and I’ve had trouble with nannies so I’ve missed some work. My boss (who is a childless woman) says I must take further time off as holiday and has asked me to consider if I’m in the right job. Is this legal? Is it fair? She used to be a great believer in me. My skills and desire to succeed are unchanged.

Banker, female, 32

LUCY KELLAWAY: THE ANSWER

There is a simple truth that doting young mothers often forget: your baby is a lovely thing in your life. She is not a lovely thing in the life of your boss or your colleagues.

You say you are the same committed employee that you always were. But actually you aren’t, because that person showed up to work on a regular basis, which you no longer do.

I know that coming back to work after a baby is wretched. You are torn between work and home and are probably exhausted. Sensible employers make some allowances because otherwise they lose a lot of talented employees. But this does not mean they are responsible for or care about your child.

If I were you I would backtrack massively. Drop your aggrieved this-can’t-be-legal line. Your boss should not discriminate against you because you have a baby, but it doesn’t sound as if she is doing that. She is merely expecting you to do your job.

You might be able to find a lawyer who would take on your case, but morally - and - pragmatically you’d be better advised to reassure her that you are still committed to the job and agree to taking any further time as holiday. If you do this gracefully, she might surprise you by being nice about it.

You also need to get gold-plated childcare, which probably means throwing money at it, but one of the advantages of being a banker is that you have money to throw.

Yours is a workaholic industry not ideally suited to mothers. If you look around at the ones who thrive, they have two things. They really want to work. And they have multiple nannies or a willing husband.

I bridle at the idea that your childless boss hates women with babies. Maybe she does, maybe she doesn’t. Either way it isn’t relevant. You say your colleagues are supportive. Are they really? If they are having to do your work, I bet they grumble about it.

DISASTER RECOVERY

Having been both the childless boss and the employee with sick young children I can sympathise with both positions. If you don’t have children you can’t possibly imagine the juggling act that is required.

My only advice is to seek back-ups for your back-up systems for the times when everything unravels.

PR exec, female, 30s

STICK IT OUT

I had similar problems in coming back to work and was often on the verge of quitting. My boss was like yours, childless and jealous of me. I stuck it out and last year my boss got fired. Now I do her job.

Manager, female, 34

SPOILING IT FOR US

It is self-deluding to attribute your boss’s impatience to her childlessness.

Her job is to ensure that the work that pays your salary (and maternity leave) is being done ? it sounds like it is not. We can all be flexible in exceptional crises but sick children and difficult nannies are hardly that in the modern workplace.

If we choose to be working mothers, we must fulfil all our responsibilities, whatever the cost. (Is your child’s health not worth some holiday?) Or we must accept that something must give. Please don’t spoil it for the rest of us by equating motherhood with unreliability.

Mother and MD, 47

PLANS A TO C

I pity your colleagues: I am the worker who always has to cover for the women with children and therefore can’t get my own work done. I am a loving grandmother but the bottom line is that it is hard to balance work and children. You need plan A, plan B and plan C when you are holding down a full-time job with children to make it work.

PA, female, 64

I PUT MY KIDS FIRST

I am a lawyer in solo practice and a primary care giver to twins aged two. For me, putting work in a clear secondary role makes a lot of sense - the child will cry my name and know I will be there, at 3am or now as I type.

Lawyer, male, 56

MISSING MALE

Never mind the legality. Where has your partner been through all this? Times have changed for all of us and, besides, he might have a more understanding boss.

Banker, male, 30s

THE NEXT PROBLEM

I have recently acquired a new boss who is 32. I am 20 years older and consider myself not just more experienced but considerably better educated and more intelligent. I am having great difficulty working for someone so young whom I don’t respect. He has had many harebrained ideas and to my disgust all my colleagues are kowtowing to him. I fear I may already have alienated him by pointing out that some of his schemes won’t fly. Do you have any advice on how I manage this whippersnapper?

This column appears fortnightly. Please send answers and new problems to problems@ft.com

Copyright The Financial Times Limited 2006